An Open Letter to My Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Hi! We kind of know each other. We both have dogs and you seem like a cool lady. Your miniature poodle is one of the sweetest and friendliest dogs around. Remember that time he jumped into my car? I thought it was hysterical. I figure you have to be a pretty decent human being to have such a sweet pup. Plus, occasionally we’ve had random, but pleasant conversations.

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So why this letter? While I think you seem like a cool chick, we have to talk about your late night activities. Originally, I thought Vegas was having a rare earthquake. Being from California, I am accustomed to earthquakes. In fact, I often refer to them as nature’s roller coasters. That said, it took me a moment to realize that was I was experiencing was a “man-made” earthquake. Seriously, I don’t know how you expect to get your security deposit back with the wall damage I’m sure your headboard is causing. At one point, I thought you were going to come crashing into my room. While I commend your ability to “get some”, the noises only add insult to injury.

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I thought a chimpanzee was being tortured in your apartment. I contemplated on calling animal control. For all I knew, you could’ve been getting attacked by some crazy animal. But really, we get it, you’re enjoying yourself, but must you screech like a hyena? You were so loud that even my roommate, who is on the other side of our apartment, heard you. I must admit, it did provide a few minutes of hilarious entertainment for my roommate and I.

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That said, I will try my best to look you in the eye today without making things awkward. Like I said, you seem pretty cool, so hopefully your sexcapades aren’t a regular thing. Lastly, if you ever need help patching the holes in your wall, I’d be happy to help in exchange for some quiet nights and a caramel macchiato.

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Respectfully,

Your Sleepless Neighbor.

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