I’m not a teenager anymore

Earlier today, I stumbled across an album that meant a great deal to me circa 2005. Upon playing it, I transcended time and was shot back to the days where I was around 15/16. It was almost like I had time traveled back to 2005 with thoughts and feelings of an angsty teenager in tow. In short, it was incredibly surreal and very vivid. The wave of familiarity washed over me for a good minute. And in that moment, memories of long ago flooded my brain, creating a nostalgic high, so sweet, that the crash was painfully evident, making me wish I could recreate that high once more.

I suppose it was painful because I was remembering a time of simpler ideals. Let’s face it, being a 15 year old with no real problems kind of trumps being an adult with responsibilities. But in all seriousness, my trip down memory lane made me realize that I am no longer a kid, therefore I cannot cling to the thought processes of instant gratification and here and now thinking. Granted I don’t run around like a self-absorbed teenager, but I think there has been a part of me that has been prolonging the process of growing up.

Most painful of all, I remembered what it was like to dream. I mean like truly believe and have hope for the future Don’t get me wrong, I still have dreams and I remain hopeful for the things to come– my roadmap is just a little murky as of late, if I’m being completely honest.

As I grow older, I realize that priorities change and dreams are reincarnated. I’m not ready to give up on mine yet, though I know my “about” process is going to need a little upgrading. Lastly, I think the biggest thing I miss about my 15 year old self was a certain fearlessness that I didn’t even know I possessed at the time. I didn’t think, I just did. Of course it wasn’t always for the better, but man, I sure accomplished a lot and had little regret. As an adult, I find that the “shoot now, ask questions later” part of me has drifted away a bit– hopefully not too far though.

I will say that Peter Pan sure was on to something, ha! I miss my childlike wonder and hope that one day I can restore that part of me. Until then, you can find me frantically playing albums of yesteryear, hoping to recreate that beautifully tragic high that I recently felt. Nostalgia and memories of days long past seem to be my new drug of choice now.

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