I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉
Life change, however, is another animal; and recently I’ve found out why I’m so scared of it. It’s taken me some time, but I’ve learned that I’m a tad bit (ok, a lot) more anxious than a healthy adult should be. A lot of my behaviors stem from my past experiences and it’s hindered me quite a bit. But now that I know most of the scary monsters in my closet are fake, it’s time to live and let live.
*Me when major decisions need to be made
Don’t let past experiences dictate your future
To recap for readers who are new to this blog, I experienced a ton of loss at the ripe old age of 18. During that tough time in my life, I was also going through my first year of college. After the passing of my grandma, I bombed out on everything and just went numb. It’s been 7 years since that shitty year, however, I still have some wounds that need to heal. One of them being my fear of transitioning into different stages of life.
In a nutshell, anytime I’ve needed to grow or evolve, I do this awesome self-sabatoge act in which I fail miserably. Case in point, my college graduation, I flunked two classes and had to retake them in the following semester. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work, but my nutty little brain kept telling myself that I couldn’t. And I didn’t. It’s happened again in other instances, but I will leave that for my memoir that everyone will be dying to read. :p
It wasn’t until about 2 months ago that I realized why I do this to myself. During my first major “life step”, I lost my grandmother, my childhood home, and a lot of things that I thought defined me. I suppose subconsciously, I equate change with loss and tragedy, therefore allowing myself to be afraid of worthwhile ventures. Interestingly enough, I’m at the forefront of some major life changes right now, and by golly, I’m fighting like hell to change the cycle. This time, my past will not dictate my future.
Breaking the mold
Knowing that there is a problem is the first step to fixing it. So here I am, acknowledging that I’m a little anxious over the next month or so ahead of me. This time around, I am going to “graduate” on time and accomplish my goals.
I’ve been doing a better job at living my life. Meaning, I’ve been hanging out with my friends. I’ve seen my parents and family, which has been awesome!!! It’s all about my mindset. Life isn’t a “battle” that I have to gear up for every morning. No, it’s meant to be enjoyed with the people you care about.
So this is me, declaring to myself and the world that change is possible and I will “survive” it. On that note, I have some writing work to do. I have so many things in the works, but I don’t want to share them until I’ve finalized my plans, but all will be revealed soon! Until then, happy Hump Day!
*Also enjoy this awesome little tune by Third Eye Blind 🙂